Kleimann/Stories
Quotes
Adventurer Story Episodes
The Mad Scientist
Cleo: I believe I just heard a dragon's roar.
Ranzal: Yeah, me too. Must'a been Midgardsormr.
Ranzal: That ain't like him. Wonder if he's hungry?
Cleo: He's not YOU, Ranzal—there may be some other explanation besides food.
Euden: Someone may have snuck into the castle in an attempt to hurt the dragons. Let's go!
Kleimann: Wheeeee hee hee hee ha ha hoooo!
Kleimann: He didn't like that, did he? Dear me no, he did not like that at ALL!
Kleimann: Still, I had no idea the breath of a dragon contained such power...
Kleimann: What a simply fascinating observation! Wheee hee hee ha ha ha!
Ranzal: Hey! Who are you?!
Euden: What happened, Midgardsormr?!
Midgardsormr: Nothing to concern yourself with. I was merely trying to blast that knave out of my sight—although it appears I should have blown a little harder.
Euden: Blow him out of sight?
Euden: Midgardsormr, you'll likely take out the entire castle if you do that—not to mention kill...um...whoever this is.
Midgardsormr: Then you do something about him. Hmph.
Midgardsormr: Otherwise, I have no choice but to take matters into my own claws.
Euden: Okay, we'll handle it. Just...take it easy.
Ranzal: Whew! That's one crisis averted, yeah?
Ranzal: So what's your deal, pal? Why're ya in here pickin' a fight with a dragon?
Kleimann: Picking a fight? Heavens, no! I was merely attempting to harvest a few of his scales. For research, yes? I mean, surely he won't miss one or two or a couple dozen.
Kleimann: But alas, someone wasn't feeling like contributing to the betterment of science, and I was nearly smashed into paste. Which would have been FASCINATING...
Kleimann: I'll be sure to bring a heavy weight with me next time so as to keep myself firmly in contact with the ground at all times. It's the lift coefficient, yes? Yes!
Kleimann: Wheee hee hee hee ha ha ha!
Cleo: What an odd little man.
Euden: Look, just leave his scales alone in the future.
Kleimann: Hmm? Why? Do you ALSO not care one whit for the betterment of science, you pathetic Luddite?!
Euden: No, it's because if he gets mad, he'll bring this castle down around our ears and kill us all.
Kleimann: A logical counterpoint.
Kleimann: Very well! I accept your hypothesis.
Kleimann: Therefore, on my NEXT attempt, I will employ careful stealth so as not to enrage this most grumpy of Reptilia.
Euden: You are COMPLETELY missing the point. We need you to... Um, hello?
Kleimann: Hmm... There really are a number of fascinating things to study in this castle...
Kleimann: Eureka! I've come to a conclusion!
Kleimann: Until the ritual I'm working on is complete, I will be taking up residency in this place. Please consider me a tenured member of your faculty and/or board of directors.
Kleimann: Oh, this is a perfect spot for my new laboratory!
Kleimann: Wheeee hee hee hee ha ha hoo!
Ranzal: I think this guy's a couple pikes short of a full platoon...
A Little Bit of Danger
Fiend: Raaaaaaahhh!
Euden: Fiends?! How did they get into the castle?!
Elisanne: Are you well, Euden?!
Euden: Yes, I'm fine. But what's going on?!
Elisanne: I am uncertain. These fiends seemingly appeared out of nowhere.
Fiend: Raaahhh!
Elisanne: There are more here as well! Where are they coming from?!
Euden: Worry about that later. Right now, we have to take 'em out!
Elisanne: Agreed!
Ranzal: This is the last of 'em!
Fiend: Rrrraaaaaghhh...
Elisanne: Whew! We did it.
Cleo: Still, what could have allowed so many fiends to get into the castle?
Cleo: It doesn't make any sense.
Kleimann: Wheee hee hee haaa! Good heavens, was THAT ever a failure!
Euden: I don't think I like where this is going.
Kleimann: Yes, well, I was just conducting a little experimental ritual, you see?
Kleimann: I managed to summon many, many, MANY fiends and have been watching you defeat them ever since with great interest!
Kleimann: Wheeee hee hee!
Cleo: I should have known you were behind this.
Kleimann: Whee hee hee ha ha! True! Very true!
Kleimann: Of course, this definitely wasn't what I WANTED to happen.
Kleimann: But it still had a very interesting outcome, which makes it an experiment worth conducting.
Kleimann: For now I have solved a portion of the ancient enigma of how fiends appear in this world!
Kleimann: Wheee hee hee hee hee ha ha ha hoo!
Elisanne: This isn't funny!
Elisanne: You put everyone's lives in danger!
Kleimann: Whee hee hee... Ah. Yes. I suppose I did. Terribly sorry about that.
Kleimann: Still, when it comes to research, a little bit of danger is just the cost of doing business! Whee hee hee hoo!
Elisanne: Cease this mad cackling at once, then spare a moment to consider how your actions have inconvenienced others!
Kleimann: Oh, very well.
Kleimann: I promise to never repeat this again.
Elisanne: Well, so long as you understa—
Kleimann: For if I learn from this and decrease the number of catalysts next time, the results should be even MORE fun!
Kleimann: You're only opposed to me repeating the same experiment, yes? Which means if I change it, there's no harm done! Oh, how excited you must be!
Elisanne: Enough! You are clearly incapable of ever seeing the error of your ways, so let me make this plain:
Elisanne: do not perform this—or ANY similar— experiment ever again!
Kleimann: Wheee hee hee...huh? Oh dear. And here I thought everyone would be able to share in my excitement too.
Kleimann: It's SUCH a shame! Whee hee hee!
An Assistant Is Born
Elisanne: Euden? We need to talk about Kleimann.
Euden: Oh boy. What's he done this time?
Cleo: He angered Midgardsormr. AGAIN.
Cleo: He tried to steal some scales—even after all the times we warned him not to.
Elisanne: And that's not all.
Elisanne: The stench coming from his room is so foul, it's making people ill.
Elisanne: I cannot abide his presence any longer. You must throw him out of this castle at once!
Euden: Let's all just calm down for a second.
Euden: I'll talk to him and see if I can get him to be a little less...annoying.
Elisanne: If you do not solve this problem, I shall— and my way will certainly be more painful!
Cleo: Good luck, Euden.
Euden: ...Kleimann? We need to talk.
Kleimann: Ah! If it isn't Euden!
Kleimann: You've come to observe my research, I take it?
Kleimann: I'm so glad you've finally developed an interest in the natural sciences!
Euden: Er, no. That's not why I'm here, actually.
Euden: Your research is making people angry. VERY angry, in fact—and they're all coming to me about it.
Kleimann: Oh? How fascinating!
Kleimann: What have they been saying? Do tell!
Kleimann: I'm always interested in the results of my experiments, including the effects they have on other people!
Euden: Look, there has to be a way for you to do these experiments that's less intrusive for everyone, right?
Kleimann: To be honest, I've never considered that question... Hmm...
Kleimann: Well, it won't be easy, I fear. My hands are already full creating, conducting, and recording all of my experiments.
Kleimann: I don't have enough hands to stop them from affecting others.
Kleimann: So I'm afraid the answer is no! Terribly sorry, and all that.
Euden: Would you be less annoying if you had... I don't know. An assistant, maybe?
Kleimann: The incidence of such events would very likely decrease, yes.
Kleimann: But even if I wanted help, I can't see anyone wanting to give it. The people here simply lack the requisite curiosity!
Kleimann: For reasons I cannot possibly fathom, I can count the number of people who have shown an interest in my work on one hand.
Euden: I'll do it.
Kleimann: You? Wait, YOU? Euden? THAT you? Will assist ME?
Euden: Are you all right with that?
Kleimann: I most certainly am!
Kleimann: Come, come! Hurry to the laboratory! I need to explain all of my equipment!
Kleimann: An assistant... Ah, what a nostalgic word!
Euden: Let me just confirm this before we start: If I assist you, you'll be able to do your research without causing trouble for everyone else, right?
Kleimann: While the effects of my research on everything around me are a source of fascinating data, I will do the best I can if it is required for your assistance.
Euden: Fair enough.
Euden: Honestly, I wasn't expecting you to agree to that so easily.
Kleimann: Why, because you think I'm some kind of mad scientist? Perish the thought!
Kleimann: Wheee hee hee hee hee ha ha ha hoooo!
Euden: ...You know what? I'm just gonna let that go.
Braving the Unknown
Euden: *cough* *hack* *wheeze* Looks like that was another failure.
Kleimann: It certainly was! Wheee hee hee!
Euden: You're surprisingly cheerful for someone whose experiment just exploded.
Kleimann: Oh? Am I? Hmm... Yes, I suppose I am in higher spirits than usual.
Kleimann: Ever since you joined me as my assistant and I gained a kindred spirit to share my work with, my experiments have been so much more fun!
Euden: Really?
Kleimann: Indeed! It's a most fascinating outcome!
Euden: Still, this time we got an explosion, the time before that a horrifying smell, and the time before that a bunch of fiends. ...Again, I might add.
Euden: What's going to happen when this experiment is successful?
Kleimann: Are you asking me to define success? Ah, but that is a difficult question, my boy. After all, we sail into unknown territory!
Euden: What do you mean?
Kleimann: Well, this is something I haven't spoken aloud to anyone yet...
Kleimann: But you are my trusted assistant, and you appreciate my work.
Kleimann: So I will tell you—and only you—so long as you keep it in the strictest confidence.
Kleimann: The goal of my research is to perfect a ritual that uses me as a sacrifice!
Euden: Ummm...ooo-kay? But what happens to you in that case?
Kleimann: Why, I die, of course!
Kleimann: Wheee hee hee hee ha ha ha hooo!
Euden: What?! Why would you ever consider doing such a thing?!
Kleimann: Because I desire to know the truth.
Kleimann: I want to know what happens to souls that are sacrificed in ritual magic.
Kleimann: Some say these souls disappear completely—that they simply vanish into nothingness.
Kleimann: While others claim such souls are consumed as mana. That they are, in essence, destroyed.
Kleimann: I reject both hypotheses out of hand; I believe the souls simply leave their bodies and live on elsewhere.
Kleimann: And I intend to prove that theory, no matter the cost! Whee hee!
Kleimann: If that means I have to use myself as a ritual sacrifice and lose my physical form in the process, so be it.
Kleimann: Once in spirit form, I will be able to search out the souls of the other sacrifices.
Kleimann: That is the final goal of my research, Euden.
Euden: You can't sacrifice yourself! It's madness!
Euden: You have to stop this!
Kleimann: I'm afraid that's one request I cannot grant, even for my loyal assistant.
Kleimann: I've poured the majority of my life into this research. I will not turn back now.
Kleimann: But this is all quite firmly in the realm of the theoretical. I don't plan to sacrifice myself today—or even this week. Does that reassure you? Whee hee?
Kleimann: For you see, I still have much more research to do before I can ensure I'll be able to reach everyone's souls.
Euden: All right. I understand what you're trying to do, and how serious you are.
Euden: But I still can't accept the idea of you sacrificing your own life.
Kleimann: Ah, Euden, my boy.
Kleimann: You are still young, so it's no surprise you can't understand what I'm trying to do.
Kleimann: But I am convinced that you WILL come to understand one day.
Kleimann: Likely on the day you discover something that matters more to you than your life.
A Life Dedicated to Learning
Euden: *cough* *cough*
Euden: Another failure? I'm starting to lose count of how many that is...
Kleimann: A failure? What are you saying, my boy?!
Kleimann: Did you not see that light?! It is what I have been waiting for all this time!
Kleimann: This is a glorious success! It was worth all of the previous failures and then some!
Kleimann: Our hard work has paid off in spades! The path to my sacrifice is open at last!
Euden: ...Really?
Euden: I'm not sure what was different this time as opposed to all the others.
Kleimann: You aren't? A pity.
Kleimann: Still, there's one thing I very much want you to understand: this was only possible thanks to all of your assistance.
Kleimann: You are the first person in all my years to aid me with the research that so many others have shunned!
Kleimann: I came to this castle in the hopes it would help me finish my work, yet I ended up gaining something far more valuable than my initial goal.
Kleimann: For all these long years, my research has been lost in darkness...
Kleimann: And now you have shone a light on it!
Euden: I'm not sure whether I should feel happy about that or not, given what you're planning to do.
Kleimann: Oh, there's no need for modesty, my boy. Rejoice and be proud!
Kleimann: Wheeee hee hee hee ha ha ha hoo!
Kleimann: Oh, and this is no longer MY research— it is OUR research! I will ensure that you receive coauthorship credit in any future scientific journals.
Kleimann: And when the time comes for me to sacrifice myself, I hope you will be there to see me off!
Kleimann: ...You know? It's odd. I never used to have any regrets about leaving this world— but once I got you, my loyal assistant, I find myself wanting to exist a little longer.
Euden: But even if I try to stop you going through with this, you won't listen, right?
Kleimann: Of course not. This research is my life!
Kleimann: And that life will end with me becoming a sacrifice for my work. Nothing can change that now.
Euden: I see...
Euden: But since the experiment was successful, are you planning on sacrificing yourself right awa—
Kleimann: Come, assistant! Back to the lab! We need to start our next experiment!
Euden: But you said that the path was open. Isn't that the end of the experiments?
Kleimann: The path may be open, but there is still much work to do before we reach its end!
Kleimann: Until then, I'm not going anywhere!
Euden: Phew...
Kleimann: Now come along! There isn't a single moment to waste!
Kleimann: Our next experiment beckons!
Kleimann: I cannot wait to see the results!
Kleimann: Wheee hee hee hee ha ha ha hoo!